Men, have you pondered about how your ugly friend always seems to get the picks of the litter, while you get stuck with sloppy seconds? Have you wondered why women become non-drinkers when you offer a cocktail? Maybe you’ve been suspicious that someone sprayed you with eau de cheeseburger? That could explain the herd of bison that have been making advances on you, adorned with large earrings and accompanied by the clinking of several bracelets. If you have ever asked yourself any of these questions, this instructional guide to courtship may be just what you need to sort out these issues/matters that perturb you. Before reading and/or following this guide, please be advised that this is used for educational and entertainment purposes only and will not guarantee any results, as some of you are far beyond the reach of help. That being said, let us now begin.

Note that there are several different routes you can take here. Choose one or more of the choices which are most befitting to your individual personality and desired outcome.

compliment some article of clothing worn by the female you approach. Choose something that looks like she spent a great deal of cash on or a great deal of time putting together. Make her feel as if she really did a good job. Be careful not to overdo it by knowing more about her clothing than she does…

engage in conversation…I don’t mean the generic “nice weather we are having” shtick, but say something that might surprise her and that she will remember.

find a subject for which you can empathize with her. Chances are this woman has been hit on all night or has had men problems at some point in the past; so say something creative! If she’s sitting alone and doesn’t seem to be having a good time, make her think you feel the same way. “Can I ask you a question? What is it with these women today? I can’t believe this girl just asked me for a drink. If I were the slightest bit interested I’d offer to buy her one.” Or you could say… “What happened to the days when people used to go out and actually have a good time? Everyone always has an ulterior motive. Do you have that problem with men?” Make her think you know she is different.

look after her friends, they are more than likely going to give their opinion of you. Consider her cohorts as judge, jury and executioner. You’d be well advised to supply them with their share of spirits as their first impression of you will be critical to your success. The happier that they are with you, the better your chances will be. Broke you say? Well then you better be damn witty and make them laugh or something! Avoid the bar all together. Dance with her and her friends be fun and silly! Make sure they have a good time but don’t get annoying. (One song bruh, that’s it! She will come to you for more.)

buy a drink and expect anything in return. Anything means a conversation, a phone number, a dance, or a smile. Remember some girl’s sole purpose is to get you to pay for drinks. Be smart, wait until you can get her interested in a conversation and you can determine if this is someone you want to pursue before investing your $8 or more.

chase after her! If she blew you off the first time, she is not interested. Following her around will get the cops called if she’s anything like me. Sending out stalker signals to someone you just met isn’t a good idea….EVER! Be a player about it. Be subtle. Make her look for you. Send her a drink and let the bartender tell her who it’s from. Give a quick wink and catch her eye from time to time. Make sure you are in a place that allows for her to find you if she decides to.

grab her arm or try to pull her towards you to dance. This is probably the worse thing you could ever do. Fail to heed this warning and you have just graduated from stalker to junior rape suspect. Instead, be a gentleman. If you want to dance, ask her to dance. Watch her and see how she reacts to the music to see what she might want to dance to.

get over-excited while dancing close… I know it’s a touchy subject, but guys tame your erection. I know for some it may be the only stimulation you get and that can be really intense for you but PLEASE… if you feel it getting up, take a step back. It’s really disgusting to the average woman… on the other hand if she is REALLY trying to get it hard (and you will know), you may be excused. Remember, dancing is for fun, not for copping free feels like when you were in high school.

ask her why she’s not interested. You may get a girl who may be really nice about telling you no and you may see an opportunity to counter. Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answer to because she just might tell you about your ugly, poorly dressed, yuck mouth-ed, tacky ass.

call bright and early the next morning. Yes, I know you are excited (see stalker warning), but she went out last night too! She had been in those heels for hours and might have a hangover. Let the girl get some rest and wait for her memory to slowly come back to her. If you are that anxious, it might be nice to send a text inviting her (and her friends if necessary) out to get some breakfast right after leaving the nightclub; or if you really feel the two of you hit it off, invite her over for a foot rub…because you can imagine how her feet feels after all that “dropping it like its hot” all night…but don’t push the subject.

you get that lucky (not likely) keep your hands off naughty places. If you are close enough, hold her (women love that shit), rub her arms, legs maybe but don’t reach for breasts, ass, etc. If you are lying down and you think she may want the business, try spooning her. Kiss her neck or shoulder and feel what direction her body moves in. Don’t ask her for permission though. This could make a very nervous or timid woman back down. Plus she doesn’t want you to know she wants it (what kind of slut do you think she is)? She wants you to read the signs and figure it out.

In conclusion, play it cool and never appear desperate, fellas. Confidence is the key. Remember, no matter what the mirror says, you are the shit! (Okay, for some that might be borderline delusional, but work with me here fellas)! She needs to know that. Never let a woman’s beauty intimidate you. We have all had our share of lame assed men so you have to keep this in mind when you are interested in a lady. Be the guy who’s different from the rest. You may not get lucky but if you follow these instructions carefully you will at least have a decent night out without getting arrested or embarrassed.

Good luck

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